I'm tired...

Three sentences usually sum up our days or certain events. There's the classic romantic words of 'I love you'. There's also the equally important, though non-romantic words of 'I am hungry' & there's the frequently-said words of 'I am tired'.

I am tired...

Today marks a 30-day countdown to the end of my research fieldwork, with about 60% of interviews done. The exhaustive nature of the fieldwork is expected & that's why I tried to pace myself by taking breaks every now & then. However, recently, I'm starting to feel the 2nd leg of the fieldwork to be somewhat too tiring.

Firstly, there's the burden of the expectations in some interviews. Since my fieldwork involves the poor or those receiving financial welfare, there are times when I worry that my research will not achieve anything, let alone try to help, in any shape or form, those in poverty.  I recall one particular respondent half-pleading to me, to help him on certain welfare issues. In hindsight, I don't know how I managed to respond to him or in that situation. This in itself is not an isolated incident. In another, a respondent stresses or hopes that his responses/pleas/complaints do not stop in his living room. In a sense, he was hoping that something be done to address it. In one sense, I could just take these pleas/responses in my stride. In others, I at times feel the burden of getting my research done right & as fast as I can, whenever this happens. I am tired.

Secondly, there's the issue of failure. There are times I get concerned that the 2-3 years of sweat & effort amounts to nothing, a failed research, nothing more than an attempt at something seemingly noble. Once upon a time, in a different job, I used to return from work, feeling tired but content on a job well done. A sense of feeling, that I had done what I can for that day. These days, I yearn for those days. Nowadays, I am wary of having spent 2-3 years spending time on this bit & coming back empty-handed. Was it (or Will it be) a job well done?

These are some of the things that hover above me like a grey cloud. In some ways, it's a bit selfish. This is a minute issue, a drop in the ocean, compared to the poverty issues faced by some individuals or families...compared to the bereaved families of those who lost their loved ones...and compared to those who yearn for justice against the oppressor.

I am not complaining. I am simply saying, I am tired.

Take care all. 

Peace be upon you.